Diets are “EW!”

EW

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I got to the point in my chubness where I knew that I needed help.  For those of you that know me, know that my BMI is nowhere near the obese zone — or even outside of the “normal” zone – but you know – I’m a female that has been obsessed with my body image since a young age.   I am NOT comfortable with my current size.  I am not OK with the fact that my size 25 designer jeans are NOT comfortable.   I do nott feel sexy, I feel disgusting and worthless.   No, I’m not being dramatic.  Not all the time, but like any time I see my body not shrouded in clothing.  So, like, daily.

FLASH FORWARD TWO WEEKS AGO

I was in the process of signing up for a class at YYC Cycle and I came across a guest blog post by Amy Kari from The Pristine Body.  She’s not only SO cute and in EXCELLENT shape, she’s an RN and a Holistic Nutritionist to boot.  She swears in her blog.  REAL SWEAR WORDS.  Most importantly, (yes, even more importance then a fellow-sailor-mouth) she seemed to get it.

The “it” I refer to is the whole, like what the fuck do I do?  Paleo?  Vegan? Zone?  Mediterranean? Run? Lift?  Less Cardio? More Cardio?  More Weights?  Cleanse?  …

Mind Explode

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I was getting fatter, I didn’t want to give up wine, I didn’t want to give up my social life, but I knew I had to do something.  I could work this 32 year old body out 5 hours a day and I knew my fat wasn’t going to go anywhere.  Plus, I was getting a bit depressed.

Meeting Amy was AWESOME.  I was still riding the high from my marathon and felt INVINCIBLE.   I was ready for a plan of action.   Then she gave it to me:  the brain diet:  love your body challenge.   My manual was filled with emotional exercises to get real with why I feel the loathing I do of my body.  What?  Where was my 7-day Shredddd it?   I’m kidding, I knew what I was getting into.   I got to work.

There are a few things that I have learned and phrases that I have adopted of my own.  One of them being “Pizza Happens”.  The other thing I’ve learned is:  You only have to eat when you are hungry!   Some emotional Eating is OK!   FOOD RULES ARE FOR FOOLS.   Just so many things.

The most important thing, is that I’m beginning to change the way that I feel about the way that I look.  YES.  I’ve got jiggles!  But do you know what?  Those jiggles got me all the way to the finish line.  The jiggles do not define me.   Not when there are so many more important things that I can define myself with, including wife, runner, crossfitter, snowboarder, friend, gigglemonster, etc.

I feel like a Dove commercial right now.  I should make one thing clear.  It’s not cool to be overweight.   Just as it’s not cool to be underweight.   It’s cool to be just right.  Let’s call it the Goldilocks test.  Guess who is in control of Just Right — You are!

Goldilocks

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If you are in a slump and ready for meaningful change in an nontraditional; yet effective way.  Please please please please please go to Amy’s website and set up an appointment.   She’s got it.  I promise you.

xo

Mere

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I ran a F*cking Marathon!

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I would love to throw some BS around and tell you that I haven’t written in so long because I was training for said marathon, but that’s not true.   I just didn’t.  I’ve been thinking about it though!

This marathon has changed my life.   It really did.   Here is why:

  • I never complete anything.  If it’s too hard, I usually quit.  This is with respect to my personal life, for some reason in my professional life, I’m completely different.   I stayed dedicated to the training.  I completed my marathon and #killedit!  My time was 4:44:51!   That is a f*cking sick time!
  • It gave me confidence.  No, I’m not going to go and qualify for the olympics, but a marathon is no small feat and I completed it, well.  I did it.  Not my husband.  Not my best friend.  ME!  I did it!  I also did it because I wanted to.  I wanted to know that I could, and I can.  I CAN!
  • Running is a really good way to take some time out and think about sh*t.  I think that I honestly meditated for 4 out of the 4:44:51 hours I was running.  I just zoned out and thought about nothing.  Thoughts would float in and out and I’d just watch them come and go.  It was actually relaxing.   Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to have a TANTY between kms 36-39 but other than that, I was relatively chill.
  • Running makes me want to live a healthier life.  Like, maybe I don’t need to drink so much!
  • I realized that I was wasting my potential.  For no real reason.  I don’t know whether or not it is because I was comfortable with my husband when we met, and as I usually do, I morphed into being available for him, liking the things he likes (which, luckily are alot of the same things) but I just kind of hung my self esteem on him.  He was to validate me, to pump me up, make me feel awesome, tell me what to do.  With all of the sh*t we have been going through, that’s alot of pressure to put on him.  Especially when I don’t measure up.  Then what?  I’m sad and he feels like an asshole.  So.  running and training and calming the fuck down has really helped me to be like, fuck that guy (not literally but you know how girls are…) I AM awesome!  And here’s an AWESOMESANDWICH c/o your ROCKSTAR WIFE.

So there you have it.  Now I am re-obsessed with running and I feel so great and excited about it.  I definitely fucked up my hip flexor but not listening to my veteran runner friends and jumping right back into fitness — but you know… sometimes you just have to go through it!

So.  That’s it.

awesome wife sandwich

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Songs that Make me Smile 😀

Today I made a playlist – largely because there are no TVs on my flight from Denver to NOLA – I digress.   

iTunes shuffle was blowing it up today (with awesomeness – I should watch my adjectives, whilst on a plane) –  I have so many I LOVE THIS SONG !!!!  moments in life, no, they do not take place at “da club” 8 vodkas deep.   (I’m not saying never, just not always 😜)

I have been running in the Rockies lately – and therefore have been forced to run outside of soundcloud service.   At first, I panicked:  I may not have anything other than Tay Tay and Mimi?  I LOVE THEM but not for 3.5 hours running.   

Turns out I have some great tunes (not 100% if the Husband Bear would agree, but HE isn’t running…)

Music is so awesome, because it is like a time travel rocket every time!  

  

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#1 on my playlist is the Arkells Ballad of Hugo Chavez.   I honestly don’t know who Mr. Chavez is – I feel like he might be a bad guy – but I don’t want to profile nor do I have access to the internet.   I might be confusing him with Pablo Escobar (Watch Narcos!!!) – but it’s such an upbeat song!   I remember when I first came across it.   I had gone on some dates with this nice but not got me guy and he was super obsessed with Indie music.   I mistook Indie for folk and my first reaction was “ew” – but anyway he got me into whatever the spotify was 100 years ago when I was young and had less sun damage on my face.  I found this song when I was on an open road headed out to Waterton to hike with Dad.   So good.

  
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NEXT #2 – Mariah Carey: All I Want for Christmas is You!

    
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How can you not have mad love for this song?   As a boy crazy teen to present day married life – when I hear this song on the radio or my Christmas playlist) I am ITCHING to sing (off-key, loudly) and dance (Awkwardly dance) this song to my Husband.   

#3 – BC Orienteering. – Said the Whale 

This song cracks me up NOW because I’ve successfully experienced being lost on a hike (a few times) – being scared on a hike (Temple, this year) and knowing that I’m totally unprepared for anything untoward that could happen.    It’s not funny but it makes me smile and shake my head at myself. 

It makes me think of the MILLION camp trips my BFF Emily and I have taken!!   So Much Fun!  (And Vodka Limonatas…. And all night dance parties…. And “truth circle” that is the campfire) 

#4 – MBF – Brand New Spaces

  
First of all, I must say that I liked MBFs “vibe” or whatever when he was an adorable hipster (vs. dirty hipster, the look he is currently rocking) with a daisy in his guitar.  

Anyway – this song is an imperative pick me up “it’ll be okay” après break-up song.   And it’s catchy AF.  

#5 – Mariah Carey – Always be my Baby

This is my #1 song to sing super loudly (see above, re: key) in the car to.   If I had hair to whip, I would.   If Leigh is with me, she can take he hair whip. 

This song has been with me forever. It’s all about girl-power and convincing yourself it’s totally cool that your love object railroaded your heart, because he’ll be back, boy.  

Which brings me to #6 – Obsessed 

This song for me is the song after you realize, oh fuck, he’s not coming back, boy.   

It’s a time to channel your inner diva and date under you.   I wish I were kidding.   It feels good to vent to your girlfriends “ew, like lose my number or get in line”. – to be young again…

  
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Tragically Hip – Family Band

This is an adorable Canadian song.   It makes me think of the rink in Carlyle where I lived and the rinks in other towns that we would visit if watching the Cougars play.   It was a huge thing.   I didn’t know any bands.  But like, I just picture the snowy rinks and dark cold nights warmed with Hockey, Hot Chocolate and eventually Pilsner.    

#7 Glass of Water – Coldplay – Live

  
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I have started every race I have run with this song (after 2008).   I dunno.  It might be (ok, is) a weird running thing. 

This is such a fun game for me.   You don’t have to read this whole thing.   I’m going to write it though (NO TV! I don’t like the book I’m reading!!!!) 

  
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Oh!  Sidebar.  I feel super guilty – this adorable elderly couple were seperated.   They both got middle seats.   I didn’t get an aisle from Calgary to Denver and I’m cherishing it.  I didn’t offer to move.   I’m an asshole – but I just couldn’t do it.   I wanted space.   Karma will get me. 

Alright!  Back to super fun song game.

  
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#8 – The Postal Service – Clark Gable

This song is so great.   The beat although nothing remotely like Super Mario Bros. – makes me picture people running through clips of film which sew a story together – in a Vintage sort of way – but their arms are sort of like Mario and Luigi in Super Mario Bros. 1. 

Ok.  I’m not on the drugs.   But take a listen.  Let me know. 

  
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Okay #9-14 – Tay

Style – I love it!  It’s kind of how I feel about bear and I when I’m wearing red lipstick (no mini skirt, I’m over 30) (Shut up!)

Wildest Dreams – I have sung this to  Husband so much he’s really sick of it – but like: he’s so tall and handsome as hell… 

Welcome to New York – reminds me of the first time I went to New York and LOVED IT.  (Understatement, ask Steph) 

Love Story – OMG.   As a hopeless romantic this is EXACTLY how I live my life full of love in my heart.   I totally scored Romeo and he scored, a clumsy but cute curly haired Juliette. 

Sparks Fly – see above

22 – I always feel 22.  Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo.

  
#15 – Bromance – Avicii Remix

This was the first time I saw my then boyfriend lose his mind to a song.   (He’s my hubs now).   He’s fairly even keeled on the emotional scale – but – this song came on at an event and he was ecstatic!

#16 – Emerald Lake, AB – Said the Whale 

This is a song that is awesome to listen to when you are reflectingu on how awesome your life is.   And they are Canadian!   Singing about a sweet spot in OUR Rockies.   Yep.  Pretty darn good life. 

There are a few others – but now we have to log off.   What are your fave songs!  

Xo Mere

More Learning and the Journey (not the band…ew)

Hi!

I am hyper posting lately.   However, as I’m not a really a structured individual, I don’t care.

I was just TOO excited to share my acquaintance’s wicked Blog with you:

THE ME ADVENTURE

I love everything about this blog.  The title, the experience, the courage that she has had to take the reins of her life and live to the absolute fullest.   She is inspiring.   She is also a real, funny, talented, successful woman, who I have the pleasure of knowing.

Yesterday’s counselling session with sweet Husband Bear was really awesome.  We had a “breakthrough” if you will.   It’s astonishing how much you can learn about yourself through guided self exploration.

Anyway – it was pick on Meredith day.   I say that tongue in cheek – you’ll get it in just a moment:

I learned that Fear, is incapacitating me, rendering me incapable of life.   What, you say?

I am so afraid that Bear will leave me, because I’m a bad wife, I am messy, I suck at finances, blah blah blah – that I just shut down – or act out – depending on the day.   I get so emotional that it’s near impossible for me to be rational or objective.

Courage

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So, what happens is, I turn into Chicken Little (thanks Nandini, solid description of me 🙂 ) and I start to work myself into a panic that the sky, is indeed, falling.   Whatever relevant issue Husband Bear has brought up to be dealt with, gets tossed aside to deal with my very real, though largely imagined crisis.   Bear ends up being the snuggly supportive Husband Bear and our issue is never dealt with.  That doesn’t mean that the issue has gone away, it’s simply in storage for “a better time”.

So what happens if there is never a better time?  You end up in counselling because you realize, although you love the shit out of eachother, you can’t even communicate at all.   Yikes.

This is a breakthrough for me because I’m a pretty good victim, although I claim otherwise.   I don’t have Shitty Life Syndrome (largely common in my line of work) – but as Hanita pointed out, when it comes to my relationship, I just roll over and play dead.  I don’t even try.  I just crybaby it and assume that it’s over.

SHIT!  This is awful!  But totally turnaroundable.

My homework is to:

  1. Think of things that I have done, despite being scared shitless.
  2. When I’m feeling scared do some of the personal counselling homework (that cognitive thought therapy stuff…)

I feel embarrassed, but totally empowered at the same time!

Lately, I’ve been like, FUCK ME, this life has to change.   I can’t believe how miserable I am when I’m feeling miserable.   Like “ew” –  I wasn’t doing anything about it.   Over the past two weeks, I’ve started to do something about it.  I’ve started to think about what would make me happy, and what is holding me back.

I find the ME ADVENTURE blog to be so inspiring because like us all, she jumped in and embraced life to the fullest.

I’m not under the impression that I’m going to have a perfect, always happy life.   I know that it wont be, I want it, but who wouldn’t.   I AM going to spend some time doing things that will make me happy on the inside of my scramble egg brain and out 🙂

That’s it folks.

No photos, just all of the words!

xo
Merebear

Happy Place

  
That’s from Metro News today.   I love reading my horoscope!   So much, I force a horoscope reading session on my co-workers.  I know they love it. 

Anyway.  I’ve clearly been down in the dumps lately.   “Ew” – it does totally suck, however a necessary, unavoidable part of life.  

I’m definitely primarily an optimist – wait – there is a Buzzfeed Quiz for that and YOU MUST DO IT: 

Quiz !!!! Do it!!!
However every now and again I am a bit of a Debbie downer:  

  
That’s from Pinterest. 

OK – so we were in Vancouver last weekend (fave city) with some of my fave people, running the SeaWheeze (also a fave) race and staying in Kits (you guessed it, my fave Neighborhood in Van).   Not depressed.    

I stepped outside and drank a coffee and read a book one morning and I was like “GET THE FUCK OUT” when I realized this was 75% of my imagined “best day”.    

I remembered I was on holidays.   Moderate mood buster for about 5 mins.   Then I thought – ok, fuck Mere, it’s time to make some changes.    I did an inventory of “stay” and “go” in my mind.   I won’t get into that right now.  I know I’m like soooooo open – but for now, you must wait.

I was also inspired by a friend of a friend who said fuck it to her old life of drinking and Calgary and “ew” – she picked up and moved to Van and is in the process of re inventing her already awesome self.    

This got me to pondering:   As I am married to Calgary because I am married to my Oil and Gas Guy – how can I reinvent myself within my own city.   What steps and chances can I take to get to this space of happy on the ready. 

So – the idea of this blog post came about.   I pitched it to my darling husband, the realist he is stated, obviously: “you will never always be happy”.   We do call him Eeyore.   

  
Also from Pinterest …

But he’s right.  I’m known for making rash life decisions.    So.  I’ve got to try a few things and figure it out.     

I really don’t want to be a super annoying quote of the day gal – because I’m already 3/4 of the way there and I’m getting on my own nerves.     

I have a few ideas.   I need to make a change and I can’t wait to tell you about it!  

Best,

Mere

Being Vulnerable. Feeling Feelings. Etc.

OUTSIDE

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I read this quote today – first on Pinterest – in my mad search for something witty to post on Insta.   Obviously it speaks to me.  I went to write a new blog post, because hey, I’ve been away, feeling sorry for myself.

OK I haven’t spent the WHOLE time feeling sorry for myself:  I SAW T SWIFT AND SHE WAS AMAZING:

Love Tay Tay

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I LOVE YOU TAY TAY!

THEN!  I went to a super fun Dance Party with my Girlfriends ALL WEEKEND:

MERE PARTY

THEN I continued feeling sorry for myself and my injured knee and my inability to run, and my inability to adult, the inability to make my husband happy, the inability to be happy… and the list goes on.

It was a PITY PARTY FOR ONE.

I HATE FEELING LOW.

IT IS ACTUALLY THE WORST.

In my opinion.

Obvi, I suffer from depression.   But like, I have drugs for that.    Bear and I have been in counselling which is super great – but also really draining.   I still feel as though the pressure is on me to make this marriage work – but again – that might be part of my Pity Party.   I injured myself.  Now I’m going to get fatter (er!) — the sewer of negative thoughts continue on.  I really do sometimes feel like a failure at life.   I’m having a hard time at work… ew ew ew.

Our department has been really negative lately, lots of change going on, obviously not going to get into it here – but home is negative, I’m drained from work, drained from counselling at home – what the hell is this life supposed to be like?  Obviously it’s not all roses but like COME ON.

I went to write this long venty blog post but first came across this entry from a fellow, more refined, blogger:

Daring Greatly

Which lifted me up a bit, because yah – this is why I started this darn blog!  To put myself out there, to feel vulnerable, to be okay with the way that I feel and the way that I am perceived.   To feel OK feeling EW, to feel OK and celebrate knocking myself out of it.   To just be free to just be ME – even if that is good or bad.

As you know I’m doing a lot of work on loving myself – which is clearly on the back burner as Negative Nelly has taken its place – but that IS life and it’s OK to ask for more, to ask for happiness, to ask for satisfaction.

It’s OK to feel low even though there is no objective reason to feel low (one of my biggest pet peeves, so like, WHY are you feeling low?  What happened?  Is there anything you can do? – YES, EVENTUALLY, BUT LEAVE ME BE.

I think that what works the best – for me – is to just put it out there- I feel the worst, and I’m going to take a personal time out to lick my wounds – please check in on me if you haven’t heard from me for a bit.

I’m not 100% sure where this is going – but I feel as though I just needed to get it out, that sometimes – it is WAY harder than others to slap a smile on your face and pretend you’re OK, because you are NOT, and THAT is OK.

I don’t like NOT feeling OK because then I think that people with DISLIKE me.  Then I will have NO FRIENDS.  It will be MY FAULT.  But that’s not really the way it works.  Your friends might take a break from you, but your true friends and family are always there.  And also, chances are —  they have times when they’re not OK too, and that is also OK.

End.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS ❤️

  
At first, when I — damn — Photo Credit — 

OK – let’s start this again.

When I initially read this quote, I thought that it was kind of bitchy.  Like some post break-up motivational post.  

It’s not.   Don’t worry, I’ll tell you why.   As you have all likely gandered I’m on a journey of self- betterment of late and whilst we may agree that I have:

  

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In that time, on my hiatus from “Party Mere” – I have been honoured to have the opportunity to visit and connect and re-connect with those friends that I love so much, in an intimate one on one kind of way.    

Taking time out and having a damn good conversations is a damn good investment.   I want to be the friend that they are to me to them.   They all deserve it.   

I know that might sound cheesy, but those of you that know me, already hopefully accept my fromage. 

However, I think it’s important to let your circle of confidantes know that you’ll be there to be serious when you need to be, you have their back, they will have your ear and your unconditional love and support when they need it.   

This world and this life is some serious shit.   It’s stressful.   It’s fun!  It’s heart breaking.   It’s exciting!   

It’s better if you have a crew of beauties along for the ride.  
Mere