Being Vulnerable. Feeling Feelings. Etc.

OUTSIDE

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I read this quote today – first on Pinterest – in my mad search for something witty to post on Insta.   Obviously it speaks to me.  I went to write a new blog post, because hey, I’ve been away, feeling sorry for myself.

OK I haven’t spent the WHOLE time feeling sorry for myself:  I SAW T SWIFT AND SHE WAS AMAZING:

Love Tay Tay

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I LOVE YOU TAY TAY!

THEN!  I went to a super fun Dance Party with my Girlfriends ALL WEEKEND:

MERE PARTY

THEN I continued feeling sorry for myself and my injured knee and my inability to run, and my inability to adult, the inability to make my husband happy, the inability to be happy… and the list goes on.

It was a PITY PARTY FOR ONE.

I HATE FEELING LOW.

IT IS ACTUALLY THE WORST.

In my opinion.

Obvi, I suffer from depression.   But like, I have drugs for that.    Bear and I have been in counselling which is super great – but also really draining.   I still feel as though the pressure is on me to make this marriage work – but again – that might be part of my Pity Party.   I injured myself.  Now I’m going to get fatter (er!) — the sewer of negative thoughts continue on.  I really do sometimes feel like a failure at life.   I’m having a hard time at work… ew ew ew.

Our department has been really negative lately, lots of change going on, obviously not going to get into it here – but home is negative, I’m drained from work, drained from counselling at home – what the hell is this life supposed to be like?  Obviously it’s not all roses but like COME ON.

I went to write this long venty blog post but first came across this entry from a fellow, more refined, blogger:

Daring Greatly

Which lifted me up a bit, because yah – this is why I started this darn blog!  To put myself out there, to feel vulnerable, to be okay with the way that I feel and the way that I am perceived.   To feel OK feeling EW, to feel OK and celebrate knocking myself out of it.   To just be free to just be ME – even if that is good or bad.

As you know I’m doing a lot of work on loving myself – which is clearly on the back burner as Negative Nelly has taken its place – but that IS life and it’s OK to ask for more, to ask for happiness, to ask for satisfaction.

It’s OK to feel low even though there is no objective reason to feel low (one of my biggest pet peeves, so like, WHY are you feeling low?  What happened?  Is there anything you can do? – YES, EVENTUALLY, BUT LEAVE ME BE.

I think that what works the best – for me – is to just put it out there- I feel the worst, and I’m going to take a personal time out to lick my wounds – please check in on me if you haven’t heard from me for a bit.

I’m not 100% sure where this is going – but I feel as though I just needed to get it out, that sometimes – it is WAY harder than others to slap a smile on your face and pretend you’re OK, because you are NOT, and THAT is OK.

I don’t like NOT feeling OK because then I think that people with DISLIKE me.  Then I will have NO FRIENDS.  It will be MY FAULT.  But that’s not really the way it works.  Your friends might take a break from you, but your true friends and family are always there.  And also, chances are —  they have times when they’re not OK too, and that is also OK.

End.

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