They have arrived!!!

  Look at these adorable masterpieces!!!  I am so very excited about them!

I am still trying to grow comfortable with the best me idea behind them.  (Please see entry one).   I felt super weird even sharing my blog with anyone because I’m like:  “Who would want to read it?”  “How do I explain what it is about?”  “What if the people that do read it think it’s stupid, does that mean I’m stupid”. — thanks to a good moving meditation jog — I realized that it really doesn’t matter, because I’m doing it for me.  It doesn’t have to have a label or a message or a brand!   Maybe it will morph naturally into something more – hopefully better punctuation and grammar – but for now it’s just me and my thoughts out there to share or to be ignored.

One of the things that I struggle with is to let myself be vulnerable.  It can be subconscious or not.   I feel as though this is even more vulnerable than writing in a diary, it’s out there for the world to see — if they so desire.  I’m opening myself for judgement and all the negative fears that my mind is so good at conjuring up – but that’s OK because – at least I put it out there.

Counselling:  I went to Counselling because I am terrified of having children.   I’m not one of those “I have waited my whole life to be a Mother” types.    Largely because I think that I will destroy them and my marriage because I didn’t pick up any solid parenting skills around the home (we will leave it at that today).   It’s a really big block for me and I just would like to run away from it (part of me) and face it (the other part of me) even though things may get ugly.

From a young age I have been trying to determine WHY things happen the way they do in families.   Like, why did my Mom pick booze over me?   Why does my Dad have to get married so much?  Why do people get married?  It seems, from my experience that only ends up in Divorce?  

As I grew up, I found answers to my questions – but the answers didn’t really break down the apprehension bridge in my brain.   I think that, in order to KNOW you have to DO and in order to DO you have to let go of your experiences and just be vulnerable to putting yourself without caveat to the person you love, trust they are doing the same and learn together.

My heart rate went up just thinking about it – but baby steps right?   

Love all y’all



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