Alright, Blog, Let’s give this a go….

I am not an english major.   My Mother In Law (it’s weird to call her that, I’m recently married and there is such a negative connotation around that label, but she’s just the raddest lady ever…) is.   I could let her help me, maybe you will, but honestly, I’m cool with a little rawness (read: laziness).

I’m writing this blog because I think that I’m really funny.   Also because I am working with my therapist to develop the Best Me.    That sounds cheesy right?  It’s not.  You should all do it.   We did an exercise last session (am I allowed to be giving out these tips and tricks?  Do I need some sort of disclaimer???  I am NOT a Therapist.   I work for an Insurance Company in a Cubicle.  Take my advice at your own risk, unless it’s what to do in the event of a loss, then I can help you)    — OK back on track — Anyway the first step was to write down adjectives as to how you see yourself.

How do I see myself???

1)  Funny (I would say Hilarious, but if you’ve seen Louis CK’s Hilarious you’ll know why I can’t use that word)  (Here it is:
2)  Energetic
3)  Absent Minded (SQUIRREL!!!) (Honey, have you seen my:  Keys, Engagement Ring, Passport, IPhone….)
4)  Loving (I really love all of my people!  SO MUCH!)
5)  Nervous (I’ve got a healthy dose of Anxiety in my life)
Second Question:  How do others see me?
This was a really interesting one!   For Valentines Day I sent text messages to all of the aforementioned people I love (I LOVE THEM!!  Tell someone how awesome they are!   It feels good!   Do it Meow!!
within which message contained what I love the most about them.   Some of them wrote back in kind.
I’ll share some of the gooders:
1)   I love that you have no sense of stranger danger (I don’t, it’s true, weirdos of the world out there, please don’t come and find me)
2)   I have wicked nails (I’m actually a nail biter.  If I didn’t shellac my nails I would not look like an adult professional)
—  OK those are the only two that I remember being funny – I could look, but I’m too lazy and I kind of feel like I’m on a roll now and my laptop (Ok not mine, it’s my Husband’s – his is nicer)  only has 15% battery left!   It’s a race against time!!!
But I think that others see me as:
1)  Funny
2)  Kind
3)  A Hugger
4)  Can sometimes be flaky
5)  Loving
6)  Sweet
7)  Energetic
8)  Emotional
THEN!   The last question was to describe what your “Best Self” would look like in the future.   This was so much harder (as warned by my Therapist, who is so awesome).   I initially completed the homework – but I kind of felt, meh about it.  Remember when you were in school and you got to the end of writing a paper and you have nothing left to say – but you still have about 100 words left?   So you just blather on about nothing of substance and try to tie it in eloquently to your paper?   Maybe not.   But if you do understand me — that was kind of how I completed the question.
It wasn’t until I was scrolling (or trolling?) through Instagram (want to follow me?  I’m merebearstare there too!)  that I saw a calling card idea posted by minted.  (
The calling card idea inspired me.  I was worried it would be a bit narcissistic — for reasons that I haven’t explored yet, but will — just not here and now.   The calling card inspired me:  What is my brand?  What does this person look like.   Not merebearstare the Mom, Wife, Insurance Adjuster, Friend, Daughter but all of those things and more.   What does confidence and comfort in myself look like?
The “Best Self” question asked if you were your “Best Self” what would you be doing?  Who would you be with?  Where would you be?  How would you feel?
In a similar counselling session many years ago (yes, I love therapy… it’s so great!!  If you’re on the fence, try it!!  We all have our issues and baggage – may as well kit that baggage out in something luxurious and easy to handle!)   I was asked to picture my “perfect” day.   It’s still the same to this day.   At that time I wasn’t married.   I think I was with a really nice guy at the time (I’m a serial monogamist, I love sharing me and snuggling).   But he wasn’t in my picture of a perfect day (this is a really good tool, if you’re not 100% sure on the person you are with – picture your perfect day, if they’re not it in, time to reevaluate).
OK back to the perfect day!   It is a week day.  It’s sunny.  Probably like early summer.   I wake up early (as per usual) and make coffee, I have a bit of time to myself out on the patio surrounded by greenery.   I don’t know that I’m reading or just being.   I then make a coffee and bring it out to my Husband (who is now the face of my sweet, sweet Husband man).   I’m in jeans and a sweater.  I have a job that I love — but I can still wear jeans and a sweater — So I’m curious to see what that will end up being!  We just sit in the sun and wake up.   He leaves for work and I give him a kiss.   Everything feels so grounded and calm and wonderful.
Picture your perfect day!  I hope it brings you as much joy as it brought me.
Back to the question:  What does this have to do with my “Best Self” ??  I live my life with a lot of Anxiety.   I lived with an Eating Disorder for most of my impressionable tween/teen/twentysomething years, when that was done, Anxiety filled the gap for the ED Behaviour.    I finally got on some antidepressants, thank god — what a breath of fresh air — however in the last two years I have struggled to figure out who I am without Anxiety.   Which gives me Anxiety.   Cue vicious circle.
I came to my new therapist with resolve to figure this out.   I’m married now.   I was anxious about being a wife, about ending up divorced, about becoming my mother and all that stuff.  I just wanted to figure out how to ground down and stop being so freaked out about everything all the time.
Now, please know, that it’s not like I’m walking around grinding my teeth all day, it’s just that little nag in the back of your mind that is constantly telling you to be careful that flight or fight vibe you have from just being a human.   My little nag is a bit negative.   The “fake it until you make it” jam that I tried from time to time wasn’t really working for me.   I just wanted to turn that nag’s frown upside down.
SO – back to the calling card – I ordered a calling card – It is SO CUTE !!! – and I thought about my Best Me.  That Best Me is:
1)  Not trying to be anyone but me!
2)  Doing Yoga, developing a mindful lifestyle
3)  Giving Love and Hugs and Spending Time with Those that I Love
4)  Analyzing thoughts to determine if they service me or if they are coming from a place of anxiety, fear or insecurity.
I’m pretty sure that is just the tip of the iceberg, but it feels really good to have a plan.
I usually am over scheduled, overwhelmed and just react.  It takes a lot for me to just sit and be.   Which is what I’m practicing now.   About 3 weeks ago I decided to slow my life down.  Guess what?  I was an anxious wreck!!!   But time creates new habits that make change easier.   Just have to have some patience.
That’s the end for today!   I hope ya’ll have a wonderful day!

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