I certainly hope so!
Husband and I had our best Year yet! We reflected on the good things that brought us joy such as:
- Chloe is AWESOME
- Balancing work and baby like bosses!
- Kicking ass at staying fit
- Making as much time as we can for our friends!
- Making time for each other
- Making time for extended family
- We are communicating amazingly!
But BUT BUT!!!!!!!!
Seriously. Hence the Hamster Wheel. We’re like WTF, we have so SOOOOOOO many things to be grateful for but we feel like we are just slogging through life as if it’s punishment.
Side bar: I want to put a “p” in Hamster. I’ve tried twice and silly autocorrect will not let me. Perhaps if I ever allow Chloe a rodent I will call he or she Hampster the Hamster.
Back to feeling dead inside….
We committed to trying to find a purpose or joy again in our lives, however we are fresh out of ideas. I welcome feedback from anyone. I’m always down for a sparkly feeling affirmation jar however that might be a hard sell on Husband.
Really, we need to dig in and find enjoyment out of the things we should enjoy. I’m not sure how to begin so I’m headed back to therapy. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I haven’t posted in forever. I’ve been busy raising this little amazing human.
It’s been so HARD and it’s been so GOOD. All of the cliches are true.
We also find it really easy to describe the sh*t that is parenting at times, however it’s so hard to put into words the joy that erases — ok that is a F*cking lie – the joy that makes the tough times worth it.
This week has been the best week of motherhood to date. Chloe has been such a JOY to be around. She is so cute with her friends and with other kids. She is 98.9% of the time smiling and those smiles are contagious.
I may be feeling sentimental because I’m about to go back to work. I’m so excited to go back to work. I am nervous about the transition and how Husband and I will share duties so that we can both get our workouts in and our time in and our friend time in…
But we will figure it out as we do.
We are really killing it as parents and I am so proud of us!
My sweet baby is finally sleeping through the night and my body has decided I don’t need to.
It’s not caffeine.
I think it’s sadness over my dad’s cancer comeback. I’ve been unable to process it and unsure how to handle it.
I’ve been working out at the gym hard and I’m so stiff – but I don’t know if it’s working. It’s so hard to deal with feelings surrounding mortality. Especially with parents. Especially now being a parent.
I think I’m going to go ask my husband to give me a back rub. That usually works.
I think a part of me is also a bit bored shitless at home with the baby all day. Yes, we get out and about – to the gym – to see friends. But there is a big piece of me that misses being JUST MERE. I would not trade Chloe in or anything like that. I’m just feeling a bit melancholy for the loss of spontaneity.
In the same breath it breaks my heart and excites me simultaneously to watch Chloe learn and grow and develop. It seems like she was born only yesterday but now is giggling and sitting and developing her own unique personality.
I think this is Motherhood.
So TONIGHT I had the best girls night… with my daughter.
She’s so beautiful and perfect and funny and silly and she just makes my life so much better. Better than I could have ever imagined.
Before I had her I couldn’t imagine how children could make your life better. Like I was NOT a kid person. From the outside looking in it seemed like parenting was barely controlled chaos. Which it is. I never believed parents when they would say it was all worth it. However, it is.
I don’t want to be a smug bitch and tell those without children or those about to have children that “they’ll understand later” because that doesn’t do anything except for like make their blood boil.
True. The above photo is true.
I didn’t force her to sleep tonight. I picked her up when brought her to bed with me and we watched TV and snuggled. It was awesome. I’m a MOM RULE BREAKER and it felt so good.
My friend Erika taught me how to plan out my week to make it feel less Chaotic- and it works. One thing per day — allows us to be flexible. It’s awesome.
I’m still working on Purpose. But isn’t that the whole Purpose of Life?
Again, the Photo Credit at the top. *sigh* – thank god I’m type F and can let that go.
The quote above is something of a low constant hum that I’ve found present in most Mom conversations that I have had. Including those conversations I’ve had with myself.
I talked a little bit about the information overload we are faced with thanks to smart phones and the google machine at our finger tips.
The messages that Mom’s receive today are not only mixed but delivered with a dollop of fear. Which inspires uncertainty, guilt and self doubt. “If I don’t do x y z – I’m a Bad Mom and I may harm or disadvantage my child”
I literally had a Bad Mom. So even when I catch myself calling myself a Bad Mom or when I hear my beautiful Mom Friends call themselves Bad Moms, even in passing, it breaks my heart a little bit. 💔. Because we are not Bad Moms. We are GREAT Moms that LOVE our littles to the moon and back and to the depth of the deepest ocean. Why are we selling ourselves short?
This chart came to me when I was searching Pinterest for tips on dealing with Mom Guilt. As you know by now – I’m a fan of professional help – so I’m trying to use some of my tools in my emotional toolbox to kick Mom Guilt to the curb.
Here is my PLAN:
- What is it that has caused me to feel guilt?
- What resource tells me that I should feel guilty?
- Is the reason I’m feeling guilty causing harm / detriment to my daughter?
- Is the reason I’m feeling guilty causing harm / detriment to my relationship with my Husband?
- Is the reason I’m feeling guilty causing harm / detriment to anyone else?
- If the answer is yes – OK let’s deal with that –
- If the answer is no – I take three deep breaths, close my eyes and move on.
- If that doesn’t work I write down all of the things that I am feeling guilty about and then delete the document.
The negative self talk is more damaging, in my experience (with the good old eating disorder). Why? Because if you keep saying it – you are at risk of eventually believing it to be true. Which is sad.
This is my sweet baby that I have managed to keep alive for 3 months. We do not manage to do Tummy Time every day, but we do most days – which I’ve decided to be OK with. She usually sleeps one nap per day in her car seat while I’m working out. I’ve decided to let the guilt go for that too. We have a housekeeper even though I’m on Mat Leave. Thank god for that.
Here is what we do awesomely:
- My Husband has supported me 100% every day of this journey. He has stuck up for me when facing criticism. We parent together and it is awesome.
- We read stories. We smile at each other. We have snuggles. I do her nails. We coo at each other and have little dance parties.
- We cover the obvious basics – Food : Change : Shelter : Sleep
- We have a poop 💩 song and it’s Push It from Salt n Peppa.
For some reason the photo credit will not go below the photo. Fine.
I have been trying to write a blog post since Chloe was born, approximately 7.5 weeks ago, but that was a pipe dream. It’s amazing where the time goes when you have a 0 year old.
That worked! Yes!!
Anyway. When I was pregnant people would annoyingly say “make sure you get all your sleep now because you won’t sleep when the baby comes!” The good news is: I still want to punch them. The bad news is: That will not give me anymore sleep.
The whole concept of sleep is a hot button issue. Amongst older vs new moms – from what I can tell from my mom group. We are great! My immediate Mom group is a bunch of wine drinking, fabulous females that I thank my lucky stars every day crossed our path. I’m disappointed we didn’t meet sooner. We were all a lot of fun (different fun) before we got knocked up. Now we are defining the new cool. For Moms.
I received my first piece of unsolicited parenting advice from a family member. I’m so glad you can’t choose family. I would have voted them right off the family island. I won’t get into it here. Let’s hope meditation and time help me bury the burning ball of fury currently carried around in my chest when I think of ir. I’m sure it will be fine… anyway – it was about sleep and sleep advice we were following.
Sometimes some good old fashioned WASPY passive aggressive kindness is truly the only way to cope. I’m sure it will happen again. I just feel like it’s a mean way for experienced Moms to bully the little lamb that is a new mother. We literally don’t know what the fuck we are doing, but please do not hesitate to make us feel like shit by telling us what we are doing is wrong.
I feel like the checklist above should cover it. Especially at Christmas.
This is my cute AF baby Chloe. She’s so rad! She smiles and it’s literally my fave to watch her face when she poops. This makes my day. She coos and has me over a barrel as she is a demanding CEO of life. We love her more than life itself. It’s such a huge change but she has humbled us – because we were pretty confident we had life dialled – but she keeps things fresh and keeps us on our toes. She’s given us the gift of learning something new every day. You can vomit if you want to but it’s true. It’s so hard, you have no sleep and your hot body is destroyed after childbirth but all of your obsessions before seem to be less prevalent and more manageable because – for me – of this tiny perspective maker. AND my supportive Mom Group. AND my sweet Husband. I laugh all the time that I thought I loved him before – after labour (horrific, what the fuck! No one prepared me for that!) and delivery and sleep and trying to figure out this parenting gig – I love him the MOST and tomorrow I will love him even more. More vomit? That’s ok. I hear when you barf you work your deep core, so you are welcome!
Anyway – my time out in the tub (sorry) has ended and it’s time to go back to work.
Pregnancy is really hard. Like for something so enjoyable to make happen – – let’s just say that evolution has it all figured out. Very tricky… Verrrrry tricky.
Disclaimer: I have felt pretty cute my whole pregnancy. Like as far as self esteem goes – I was worried I would be horrified: But I honestly felt the glow. Probably cutting out chugging wine and eating like shit really helps. (Those two went hand in hand for me).
I am proud of my shape. I’m proud of myself for being able to keep as active as I was before I became pregnant. I feel strong and toned and sexy.
When my friend Holly suggested maternity photos – I admitted that I thought about it.
We have been really possessive of our little bump. Like clearly I wear sticky every day – but we like: didn’t want to share on social media or send a ton of photos — it’s OUR bump and we want it all to ourselves.
So, how did we get to taking maternity photos? I think the hormones got the better of me. I was like: we do love our bump, and let’s cherish this time in our lives that is such important first (sorry second child). So we did it.
I found Brandy @ Fresh Sugar via the Google Machine.
She’s done some really awesome work with the Children’s Hospital that melted my heart. That was the difference that set Fresh Sugar aside – it was just a vibe I got from Brandy’s Blog, pro bono work and Portfolio. We signed up.
Brandy’s studio is out of her beautiful home. We immediately felt comfortable. She is so welcoming and personable. I felt like I had known her forever!
Here is our sneak peek as posted on the Fresh Sugar Blog:
A special thanks to Karla @ Butter Beauty Parlour for making my face so damn beautiful to go with this gorgeous bump I’m sporting!
A super special thanks to my gorgeous Husband who gave me the gift of pregnancy and a family of our own.